I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
