I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
