My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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