woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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