i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
