Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
