Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
