Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
