Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
