Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
