my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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