How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
