I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
