I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
