Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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