Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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