It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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