I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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