If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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