if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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