its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
