I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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