his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
