Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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