I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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