I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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