just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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