my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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