Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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