Umm I'm too high to move.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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