she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
