I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
