I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You don't make any sense
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