I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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