remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
