fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
