At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I believe in your delicious
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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