he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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