so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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