i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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