oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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