alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
