the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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