I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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