My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
