the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
