your parents love me but you hate me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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