There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
