she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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