i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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