'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
