i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
