I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
