one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
